It is important to feel content in your at work because it takes up so much of your life. Working in a role you dislike, not feeling safe or listened to among work colleagues, feeling taken advantage of or like you don’t belong can understandably contribute to feeling anxious, depressed, stressed, or lost (delete, add, or replace emotions as applicable!).
If you are in that situation it can feel like there is no way out. I am here to tell you that it is possible to change your work life for the better, whether that means changing your job or career entirely or making some changes in your current role. I worked in demoralising and unsatisfying roles for many years until I finally focussed on what I really wanted and on the patterns that had got me into the situation I was in. I’m not saying that it is easy or fast, but it is possible to work towards a brighter working future one step at a time. There isn’t necessarily any need for immediate and drastic action; even simply recognising some of the ongoing patterns can inspire positive change.
There are many ways that past trauma can impact your working life. It is unique for everyone, but I will describe some of the scenarios that can come up due to past trauma, the patterns it can create and beliefs it can foster. Where possible I will describe some first steps you can take to break the patterns. As mentioned, this process may take some time (although it shouldn’t take too long to experience some benefits of a change of perspective). In many cases it might be beneficial to talk to a therapist but if this is not possible you can definitely do some of the work yourself (self-kindness is, as always, essential in this process!)
Past trauma can mean you end up in work that isn’t right for you
If you have experienced significant or long-term trauma or adversity it can mean that you are unsure who you really are (and therefore what type of work would suit you best) or you may have gone into a certain type of work to please others. Having experienced significant or ongoing trauma can also mean that your confidence or self-esteem isn’t what it could be. This can result in a lack of belief that you can fulfil your dreams.
If you are in an unsatisfying or unsuitable job, this can be a difficult and dark place. People might say things to you like ‘just do it for the money and switch off at the end of each day’ or ‘nobody enjoys their job; you just have to get on with it’. Perhaps those people mean well or perhaps they don’t understand the anguish you might feel. If you are in this situation, I want you to know that it is okay to want something different for yourself.
If this sounds like you, perhaps you could do some journalling around the following:
· When do you or have you felt the most alive? Perhaps you have a pastime that could turn into a career or maybe you realise you feel most alive outside and you want to work outdoors. Whatever comes up for you write about it.
· What did you want to be when you were a child or teenager? If that didn’t become a reality, what happened? How do you feel about those occupations now? You might not necessarily decide to be an astronaut or a lion tamer (if that’s what you wanted to do as a child) but it might provide ideas for things that you could do.
· Think about jobs that friends and family have. If you are interested in any of them, what is it about them that interests you? What roles have you seen on film or TV that you find interesting? As well as journalling around these questions you can also do some research into the roles and talk to friends and family about their jobs to find out more.
I appreciate that these are quite practical tips (which I hope can help) but it’s important to acknowledge that underneath the work issue there is emotional pain or at the very least an emotional scar. It may seem overwhelming to think that you haven’t properly discovered who you are, due to adverse experiences when you were younger. It is important to remember that there is no pressure to figure out exactly who you are or to make any huge decisions straight away. If you can, try and approach the situation with curiosity. By doing this it might seem less overwhelming, and it also enables more discovery and inspiration. Therapy would be very helpful but if it isn’t possible to see a therapist at the moment try journalling about how you are feeling or speaking to a trusted friend.
Often people feel that they are trapped in a job or career for financial or family reasons. If this is the case, remember that it is possible to take small steps towards something that would be more authentic. For example: is there a short course you could take? Is there another role in your organisation you might like to work towards? Could you reduce your hours slightly so that you can explore other options?
Past trauma can lead to patterns that make working life difficult
If you experienced trauma in childhood such as emotional abuse, abandonment, or neglect this can cause patterns in relationships at work that can lead to distress or stress (or both!). This doesn’t mean the situation is your fault. You are not responsible for the patterns the trauma or adversity caused because the trauma wasn’t your fault (although we can start to be accountable once you are aware of patterns). Also, if you are being treated badly at work or if there is a poor work culture at your organisation you are not responsible for this: you are only responsible for your actions within it.
Patterns that may impact your working life may include:
· people pleasing tendencies
· perfectionist tendencies
· avoidance of conflict
· rescuing tendencies
This are some of the patterns that can occur. Through no fault of your own the organisation you work for can (perhaps subconsciously) find this pattern, that is harmful to you, useful in their culture. For example, avoidance of conflict might be useful in a culture where they want you to just get on with things and not speak up about injustice or bad behaviour. Similarly, if you have perfectionist tendencies this might appeal to a boss with unreasonably high expectations.
Realising your patterns at work can be the first step to improving your situation. For example, if you often rescue others at work, you can notice yourself doing it and take a few breaths before you step in and rescue. Rescuing at work can look like always being the person to volunteer for the undesirable task, taking the blame for something that isn’t your fault or covering up others mistakes. This can lead to resentment and other unhelpful feelings. So, when you recognise this pattern in yourself you can start to do things differently. Simply taking some deep breaths next time your manager asks for a volunteer for the unappealing task or reminding yourself that you don’t need to take the fall for the mistakes of others is a good place to begin. Of course, you aren’t going to do this perfectly from the start so be kind to yourself and give yourself space for trial and error.
If you like your job but it is the office politics that grinds you down, it could be that you are able to stay in your job, at least for a while, and it will be appreciably better. It isn’t like the previous scenario I gave where it was the job that is the problem. Whether or not you stay in a job is, of course, entirely up to you and there are always more options available to us than you think there are when you are stuck in a work situation you don’t want to be in.
Past trauma can mean we don’t set enough boundaries
If you experienced trauma during childhood or as a young person, this could impact your ability to set boundaries. Potential reasons for this include:
· If you lived in a chaotic, aggressive, or abusive home you wouldn’t have been modelled good boundary setting.
· You may even have been moulded to cross boundaries or undertake roles that were not suitable for a child or young person. For example, if you were expected to look after others, particularly without that being properly acknowledged, you may have grown to believe that this was your role in life and that you should put others before yourself.
· If you were abused bullied, abandoned, or neglected this can have a huge impact on self-esteem and confidence which can, in turn, lead you to believe you don’t deserve to protect and honour yourself with boundaries.
It takes a while to get used to boundary setting. If you feel it would be beneficial for you to reassess your boundaries, consider these boundary areas as a starting point:
· Time boundaries. If regularly miss lunch breaks, leave work late or go in early, perhaps it is time to change this.
· Physical boundaries. If you work in an open plan office and people regularly come and breathe down your neck or invade your personal space you are allowed to tell them that this isn’t okay with you.
· Conversational boundaries. For example, you can elect not to talk about your personal life.
· Relationship boundaries. It can be very healthy to talk about the kind of relationship you want to have with people at work. For example, you might be able to have a conversation with your manager about how you are managed or talk to team members about how the team will work together.
· Personal boundaries. These are boundaries you can have in place with yourself based on awareness of your own unique needs. For example, if you are having a tough time at work, you can set some personal boundaries to help make this feel better. For instance, perhaps you allow yourself to rant to a friend or partner for twenty minutes after work but after that you must focus on something else.
· Content boundaries. If the office politics or negativity at work gets you down you can decide to consume less of this by changing the subject, simply saying that you don’t wish to engage or by spending as little time as possible with people who are likely to bring you down.
Like the previous scenario, if the role itself isn’t a problem but the boundaries are, you might be able to set better boundaries and therefore be able to stay. You might, however, need to be persistent, as colleagues may have got used to your patterns and not want you to change.
If you are having a tough time at work, I hope you can trust that it doesn’t have to be like this forever and that a meaningful working life without adversity is possible. No role or organisation is perfect, and we all have bad days. However, if you find that you are having bad days every day this is not sustainable as it is detrimental to your mental health and wellbeing. I appreciate that there are bills to pay and that you can’t leave your job on a whim, but I do believe that you can make small but positive steps to building a better future.
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