What is self care?

And how can I make sure I'm doing it right?

The phrase self-care is used so much but what is it and how do we, well, do it?

What is self-care?

One of things that can make the idea of self-care confusing is that it is such a broad term. Self-care can be used in reference to nutrition, exercise, morning routines, beauty routines, work-life balance, patterns in relationships, boundaries, health, and many other areas of life.

If you want to step up your levels of self-care it might be helpful, to start with, to decide on an overarching promise to yourself, one that can be applied to all aspects of self-care. When you have an all-encompassing promise to yourself you can then start to think about some more specific actions.

A promise might be something like:

I promise that I will always take my own health, wellbeing, wants, and needs into account when I make decisions.

Or

I promise that I will, where possible, stick to routines and patterns that are good for me and empower me.

Or

I promise that I will check in with myself and on what I need on a regular basis so that I can stay well and in tune with myself.

It is important that you choose a promise that resonates with you. Self-care might mean something slightly different to everyone or there are certain aspects of self-care that might be most important to focus on now.

What next?

When you have settled upon a promise that resonates with you, you can consider the different areas of self-care and how much you have been living in the spirit of this promise in each of them. This isn’t about beating yourself up; that would be counter-productive! It is important to look at the reasons for doing well in some areas and not in others. You can do this with a sense of open curiosity; if we are judgemental the process is less likely to be helpful.

Here are the main areas of self-care I believe to exist. There may well be more but taking action in a few areas tends to have a knock-on effect on other areas of our life anyway. Also, it is important not to feel overwhelmed when thinking about self-care. The main areas I have identified are:

Nutrition and health

Fitness

Relationships

Morning and evening routines

Boundaries

Parenting (if applicable)

Relaxation and fun

Stress management

It is worth noting that many of these areas overlap in varying ways, so dealing with one will help some of the others. For example: nutrition and health will impact our fitness; if we have better boundaries this can often improve our relationships; if we improve our stress management this can help us to look after ourselves when parenting; and so on.

You could jot down a where you think you are with your promise in relation to each of these areas. For instance, if you have committed to ‘stick to routines and patterns that are good for me and empower me,’ you may note down under Morning and Evening Routines that your morning routine really works for you but that you could do with going to bed half an hour earlier. Under Relaxation and Fun, you may note that on the days you stay late at work you aren’t able to relax as much as you need to. This would also help you start to address the topic of boundaries.

What can get in the way of self-care?

There are many things that can get in the way of proper self-care. This is why self-care can feel so challenging at times. Here are some of the things that can get in the way:

Ingrained beliefs about yourself can get in the way of self-care

There are some beliefs we might hold about ourselves that can make it very difficult to look after ourselves properly. For example, if you think that we aren’t worthy of self-care it can be very difficult to prioritise yourself. If this resonates with you, here are a few tips:

·      Start with something small so that you aren’t overwhelmed. For example, if your quality of sleep or your sleep routine isn’t where you would like it to be, have a think about what you could do about that. Would it help to buy a new pillow, stop eating late at night or buy an oil diffuser for the bedroom for example?

·      Trace back to when these unhelpful beliefs started. For instance, is it something that you were told as a child? How relevant are those beliefs now? How could you challenge those beliefs? This may feel like a lot to do on your own so you may wish to work with a counsellor or therapist to explore these beliefs.

·      At the very least, remember that helping yourself also helps others. If you have caring responsibilities, you will undertake them much better if you look after yourself. Also, looking after yourself well is great modelling for others to do the same.

Life can get in the way of self-care

You might have the best will in the world to take good care of yourself, but then life might deliver you a blow that takes up lots of time and energy, and then another one, and then another. It is worth mentioning that once you have a very established self-care routine and habits it is less difficult for them to be broken. I appreciate this might not feel very helpful for people who are just starting out with a self-care journey, but it should get easier in the future.

If you find yourself in the situation where one thing after another comes up and you just can’t seem to find the time and space to look after yourself, it is important to be honest with yourself about what is possible. You might say that you don’t have the time or space but check that this is true. As an example: last year when my dad was very ill and there were other things going on too, I put off things like taking time out at the spa or going for long walks in nature. When it was all over, and I reflected, I realised that I had spent a significant amount of time worrying and internalising things when I could have been looking after myself more proactively. Perhaps sometimes we think we must show how much we care by staying at home worrying, when ringfencing some time for ourselves would be much more productive. Having said this, it is even more important for self-care not to become another thing on the list of what we should be doing but aren’t. If we aren’t able to commit to our optimum routine it is important to be kind to ourselves about that.

Something else that might be useful to remember in these situations is that there is always a mini version of self-care or escape available. For example, if you feel like you want to escape to a desert island, you don’t have to do this physically. You could take a few minutes to imagine being on this desert island. Think about the sights you would see; imagine the sound of the waves and the scents you would be able to smell. Think about what it would be like to take your shoes off and feel the sand between your toes. Even five or ten minutes of doing this every day could help regulate your nervous system and feel calmer.

If you do find yourself in a time of pressure and adversity, think about what the most important part of your self-care routine is and make it non-negotiable. For instance, if breathwork really helps you, make sure you do that for at least five or ten minutes a day. If you love running but don’t have time for a proper run, you could spend some time running around your garden.

Getting self-care confused with self-indulgence can get in the way of self-care

Don’t get me wrong: sometimes missing the gym to see friends or staying in bed for an extra half an hour instead of doing our morning routine can be the most ‘self-care’ thing you can do. After all, life is meant for living or sometimes some extra sleep might be just what we need.

However, if you find yourself not bothering with your routine for three mornings in a row or missing the gym so you can watch a TV programme it might be that self-indulgence is masquerading as self-care. It will usually say things to you like ‘oh, but it feels nice in bed’ or ‘doesn’t it feel nicer just to sit on the sofa’. You might consider how you feel in the moment but not how you will feel later. This might be linked to some of the ingrained patterns I mentioned earlier. For example, if you had to find ways to soothe yourself as a child (something that was resourceful and probably helpful at the time) you may continue to indulge yourself in adulthood. Alternatively, if you had a parent who tended to indulge themselves rather than do the thing that was helpful long term this might be a learned behaviour.

The good news is that once you realise self-indulgence is masquerading as self-care it will become easier to spot it and to, therefore, stop it! I’m not saying that it is easy so don’t beat yourself up if it takes a while to beat the habits. When you choose not to do something you set out to do have a think about the voice within you that helped you make that choice. Was it the voice of self-care and self-love or was it the voice of complacency or sabotage? You can then work towards making the decisions that are truly based on self-care.

I want to make it resoundingly clear here that I do think we should treat ourselves and indulge ourselves from time to time. If you have achieved something good; if you have a day off; if you have been having a tough time and need a pick-me-up, it is important to treat yourself. However, it is important to think about the frequency and nature of the treats. Lie ins and cream cakes are fine treats but are there some others we could include in our toolbox such as a face pack and a pedicure, a mindful walk, or a coffee with a friend?

The impact of a good self-care routine

I wanted to write this blog because I’ve been thinking lately about how much a good self-care routine and habits can impact the quality of If life and help us to reach our goals. Here are some of the ways a self-care routine can have a positive influence:

·      By having a self-care routine, you find enjoyable and beneficial you are telling yourself that you are worth it. This can help to build your self-esteem and confidence.

·      Having structure in your life can improve or deter mental health problems.

·      If we start the day off on a ‘bad foot’, things can spiral and it can result in snapping at loved ones or not being open to positive opportunities that come our way, for instance. If we start the day off on a ‘good foot’ the opposite can happen.

Self-care can be fun

It’s important to say that I do believe that focussing on self-care can be fun. It can be fun to research the things that might help you and to try things out. Also, it isn’t about doing something because you feel like you should do it. If your next-door neighbour swears by meditating for an hour a day, it doesn’t mean that you need to do the same; everybody is different. If you find yourself ‘going through the motions’ it probably isn’t the right thing for you. It’s also worth mentioning that a self-care routine doesn’t need to be lengthy. Perhaps you do want to spend two and a half hours on yourself in the morning, that’s great, but you don’t have to, and I know for some people this just isn’t possible. A self-care regime could involve some affirmations whilst showering and a healthy breakfast, for example.

Finally, it’s important to acknowledge that whilst the concept of self-care may sound lovely, I appreciate for some people that it can be confusing and even triggering, especially when those ingrained patterns come in to play. If it is a concept that you find difficult, it is essential to be kind to yourself about that and to know that you are not the only one who struggles with the concept.